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Happily married gay man

Josh and Lolly Weed, and their daughters

Via reader DeeAnn, here’s an amazing post by a Mormon therapist who comes out as a happily married gay man. Happily married — to a woman. Excerpts:

3. When did you know you were gay?
I knew I was gay when I was 11 or 12. That’s the onset of puberty, when humans begin to feel sexual attractions. For a little while I was waiting for the attraction to girls to set in because that’s what everyone said would happen, but then there was a sinking moment of realization—a thought like “oh, this thing for guys is its replacement.” I told my parents shortly thereafter, when it seemed pretty clear that my sexuality wasn’t playing a trick on me, and the girl thing wasn’t going to happen, but the guy thing was totally happening. I was 13 when I told my dad (a member of the Stake Presidency—which is a lay leader in the Mormon church—at the time). My parents were incredibly loving and supportive, which is part of why I believe I’m so well adjusted today. They deserve serious props for being so loving and accepting—I never felt judged or unwanted or that they wished to change anything about me. That’s part of why I have never been ashamed about this part of myself. (I feel plenty of shame about other irrational things, like the fact that I can’t catch a ball or change a tire (as you may have noticed on the blog)—and I’m working on that stuff because toxic shame isn’t a good thing. But I’ve never been shameful about who I am, or about this feature of me as a critical part of my person, which it is in the same way that sexuality is a critical part of any person.)
4. If you’re married to a woman, how can you really be gay?

This is a really good question and I can see how people can be confused about it. Some might assume that because I’m married to a woman, I must be bisexual. This would be true if sexual orientation was defined by sexual experience. Heck, if sexual orientation were defined by sexual experience, I would be as straight as the day is long even though I’ve never been turned on by a Victoria’s Secret commercial in my entire life. Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not by experience. In my case, I am attracted sexually to men. Period. Yet my marriage is wonderful, and Lolly and I have an extremely healthy and robust sex life. How can this be?
The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” I didn’t fully understand the answer to this question until I was doing research on sexuality in grad school even though I had been happily married for almost five years at that point. I knew that I was gay, and I also knew that sex with my wife was enjoyable. But I didn’t understand how that was happening. Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection. And Lolly and I have had that from day one, mostly because we weren’t distracted by the powerful chemicals of infatuation and obsession that usually bring a couple together (which dwindle dramatically after the first few years of marriage anyway). So, in a weird way, the circumstances of our marriage allowed us to build a sexual relationship that is based on everything partners should want in their sex-life: intimacy, communication, genuine love and affection. This has resulted in us having a better sex life than most people I personally know. Most of whom are straight. Go fig.

He came out to his wife when they were teenagers, on their first date. Why did she marry a gay man? She says, in part:

Months passed and I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. I said to her, “I can find someone else like Josh, right? Someone else to love like I love him?” She said, “You could find someone else to love, sure. But you will never have what you and Josh have with someone else. Because no one else is Josh.” When she said that, and I thought of loving someone else, I knew the answer to his question “Am I worth it?”

I knew that I loved Josh. I loved All of him. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to marry Josh Weed because I loved the man that he was. I loved everything that made him him. I didn’t want anyone else. I knew that we had the kind of relationship that could work through hard trials and circumstances. I had faith in him and I had faith in our love. I did not choose to marry someone who is gay. I chose to marry Josh Weed, the man that I love, and to accept all of him. I have never regretted it.

This, from Josh Weed, is quite a moment:

I find that when I think of what alternative lifestyles could offer me, they pale in comparison to the full, joyous, bounteous life I live. Thus, I believe that to live my life this way is being true to myself, and to go down any other path would be egregiously inauthentic and self-deceptive.
About two years ago, I saw a psychologist to get medication for my ADHD-I.  She was a lesbian, and when I told her that I was a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, she spent an entire session hammering me with questions about my situation in a genuine effort to make sure I was happy. I didn’t love that she did this, but as a clinician myself, I understood where she was coming from.
During our conversation, she told me about her life with her partner. She spoke of a girl, whom she considered her daughter, who is the biological child of her ex-lover, with whom she lived for only three years. She told me of how much she loved her daughter, but how infrequently she got to see her. And eventually, when talking about my sex life, she said “well, that’s good you enjoy sex with your wife, but I think it’s sad that you have to settle for something that is counterfeit.”
I was a little taken aback by this idea—I don’t consider my sex-life to be counterfeit. In response, I jokingly said “and I’m sorry that you have to settle for a counterfeit family.” She immediately saw my point and apologized for that comment. Obviously, I don’t actually think a family with non-biological members is counterfeit in any way. I also don’t feel that my sex-life is counterfeit. They are both examples of something that is different than the ideal. I made that joke to illustrate a point. If you are gay, you will have to choose to fill in the gaps somewhere. She chose to have a family in a way that is different than the ideal. I choose to enjoy sex in a way that is different than the ideal for a gay man. It all comes down to what you choose and why, and knowing what you want for yourself and why you want it. That’s basically what life is all about.

He doesn’t say all same-sex-attracted Mormons and Christians should seek to marry someone of the opposite sex. He says he only wants people to know that this is the path he chose, and it has brought him a great deal of joy. He says he’s like a unicorn: he’s not supposed to exist, but he does.
Perhaps most interesting of all, he says that the love and acceptance he got from his parents and from others as a gay teenager helped him make the choice he did to be faithful to his religion, and ultimately to have a happy traditional marriage — this, as opposed to being filled with self-hatred and shame. He is a faithful Mormon, and believes that acting on same-sex desire is sinful. But then this:

If you know and love somebody who is gay and LDS (or Christian), your job is to love and nothing more. Let go of your impulse to correct them or control them or propel them down the path you think is right for them. Do what you need to do to move past that impulse.  Do not condemn the choices your loved one makes. Love. Only love. Show your love in word and deed. Embrace them, both literally and figuratively. I promise they need it—and they need to feel like they can figure out this part of themselves in a safe way without ridicule and judgment. It’s what Christ would do. It’s what your loved one needs. Accept them. Love them. Genuinely and totally.

This is really a great post, and that part at the end pretty much sums up the way I try to be, and hope to be, with my gay friends. Read the whole thing. I can’t imagine the courage it took for this couple to write this. God bless them.
UPDATE: From the comments below:

Josh’s comment has helped me identify what I find so annoying about the typical media reaction to gay men who come out after decades of their marriage and insist on leaving their wife because they’ve finally come to grips with who they really are (one garners additional points of course if one happens to be an Episcopal bishop): It privileges a reductionist view of sex over a more holistic one, suggesting that any frustration of the ability to have sexual relations with one’s ideal sexual partner is a tragedy and that sexual attraction cannot be the fruit of anything but raw appetite and certainly not the product of a life lived together. (That’s not to say that this is true for everybody, but the typical media reaction to such stories suggests that it is true for nobody.)

(By Rod Dreher • June 9, 2012)

Story by CoolMan from Jakarta

I'm cool..................
I believe, as a truly homosexual, we never chose to be a gay/lesbian. We are just who we are since we were born.

Some of us are lucky enough that they can become themselves, by coming out to family members, friends, and/or their community, without facing too much problem/pressure. However, some homosexuals (like me, or, maybe you), have to hide our sexual orientation, due to various factors (eg. religion, family, community, etc).

As we get older, people close to us will keep on asking; "Dear... when are you going to get married?". We know deep in our heart, that we have little/no sexual attraction at all towards an opposite sex. And we also know; that getting married with a heterosexual can cause more harm than good to both parties, but due to the continuous pressure from the surrounding (esp. people whom we love), and to save face, we finally succumb to these pressures, and decided to get married.

So, if you are a lesbian who are looking for a gay for marriage ( or, a gay who are looking for a lesbian for marriage ), come and join me & many others at www.GayLesLove.com !

You may first start with Marriage of Convenience (MOC), as a social cover ups for each other, without planning to have your own kids. Later, you may long for kids, and decide to have/adopt one. And who knows, you may wake up one day in one morning, and realise that you both finally have enough sexual attractions to each other, to continue your life just like the many other heterosexual couples out there. Anything is possible. So, let's just go with the flow.

Welcome aboard!

Coming Out or Not

Chingusai provides the following advice on coming out in South Korea:
Moreover, because family cohesion and honor are extremely important values in Korea, not a few LGBT people have been rejected and cast out by their families after coming out to them ?honesty, unfortunately but apparently, is not always the best policy. Consequently, LGBT activists as well as members of the queer community generally agree that coming out should be done after the achievement of economic and social independence, especially since parents‟ financial support and guidance continue well after children‟s college years in Korea.
… All LGBT friends who visit or live in Korea should be sensibly cautious in coming out within relationships, networks, or organizations that are public, official, professional, or related to their livelihood because you may still face covert discrimination despite the lack of legal grounds. At the same time, however, there thankfully is no publicly known case to date of any foreign national being dismissed from work for his or her sexual orientation („Gay Life in Korea‟ (undated), Chingusai website http://chingusai.net/e_page/e_life_in_korea.html – Accessed 19 November 2008 – Attachment 16).
An article posted on Fridae on 17 October 2008 reports on the suicide of actor Kim Ji-hoo. On 21 April 2008 Kim appeared on the TV program, “Coming Out”. After the episode aired, “Kim‟s Web page was inundated with attacks on his sexual orientation. In addition, his modeling and television appearances were cancelled and his management company refused to renew his contract.” The article notes that “[e]ven after his death, hateful comments were posted on Kim Ji-hoo‟s personal Web page.” An article dated 8 October 2008 in The Korea Times reports that Kim‟s mother said “[h]e underwent many professional and personal difficulties following his coming out”. Kim‟s aide, also homosexual, said “[l]ike me, he suffered from numerous discriminations against him.” The article reports that “[p]olice said his suicide reflects public prejudice toward gay people and their difficulty in succeeding in the entertainment industry” (Si-soo, Park 2008, „Gay Actor Found Dead in Apparent
Suicide‟, The Korea Times, 8 October, Global Gayz website http://www.globalgayz.com/korea-news08-01.html – Accessed 19 November 2008 – Attachment 21; and Kelley, Matt & Lee, Mike 2008, „The deadly reality of South Korea‟s virtual world‟, Fridae website, 17 October http://www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/article.php?articleid=2320&viewarticle=1 – Accessed 19 November 2008 – Attachment 22).
An article dated 18 June 2008 in The Korea Herald reports that “[i]n the past, gay and lesbian Koreans who have come out to their families have been disowned and forced into “medical treatment” or unwanted marriages.” When a famous television actor came out in 2000 he lost his job and when he told his mother “she suggested they drink poison together.” Hong, a 25 year old university student who has been openly gay for four and a half years states “I know it‟s very hard to be „out‟ in Korean society but if people are willing to push through, all the way out, I think it‟s absolutely worth it.” Cho Jeong-kwon, a 27 year old university student disagrees, “I think if I say I am gay, I fight the whole Korean society” (Schaneman, Bart 2008, „From both sides of the closet door‟, The Korea Herald, 18 June – Attachment 17).
An article posted on Fridae on 3 June 2008 reports on the first television talk show series in South Korea about homosexuality. The new 12 episode series which debuted on 14 April 2008 and airs at midnight is called “Coming Out” and “includes dramatic profiles of people who have come out to family, friends and coworkers with advice offered by co-hosts Hong Seok-cheon and Jung Kyung-soon.” At a press conference, “Hong told reporters when he first heard about the project, he thought it was “crazy” for Korean to out themselves on national television.” Hong is able to sympathise with young Koreans who remain in the closet after his own painful experience. Hong states, “I don‟t advise people to come out because I know it is a hard decision. But for myself, I have never been happier. I don‟t have to lie to myself any more” (Kelley, Matt 2008, „Seoul‟s spring forecast: More visibility for Korea‟s queers‟, Fridae website, 3 June, Global Gayz website http://www.globalgayz.com/korea-news08-01.html – Accessed 19 November – Attachment 23).
An article dated 31 October 2007 in The Korea Times reports that seven years after Hong Suk-sheon came out, “there are several more people who have declared themselves as gay” including Fashion Consultant Hwang Eui-gun and filmmakers Kim Jo Gwang-su and Lee Song Hee-il. Kim, a member of Chingusai, says that the group holds an annual rainbow festival and other events but rarely invites the media or the public for fear of being outed. He states, “Some people identify us with just a simple snap shot and rumours and all the prejudices mount up”. Lee Jong-heon, a representative of Chingusai “said the number of gays who came out may look as if it has increased, but in reality it is restricted to people who have professional jobs, run their own business or work in the art-related field.” Lee states, “[i]n the real world, gays feel much pressure to conceal their sexual identity”. Lee “said usually the biggest obstacle is immediate family. He said those who managed to find life partners and get their families approval do not like to reveal themselves publicly and live a very discrete life” (Ji-sook, Bae 2007, „Communities Divided on Sexual Politics‟, Korea Times, 31 October http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/special/2008/07/229_12906.html – Accessed 19 November 2008 – Attachment 19).
An article dated 2 February 2007 in OhmyNews reports that “[s]uicide is also high among gay men, who are ostracized by society and generally shamed and expelled from their families after coming out.” The article notes that while homosexuality is “slowly becoming more accepted in Korean culture…there is a lot of anecdotal evidence on the Internet that would
suggest that suicide among gay men is a significant factor in South Korea‟s suicide rate.” The article continues with a post written by one man on a gay rights website:
I consider myself lucky, though. Between 1997 and 1999, three of my gay friends in South Korea committed suicide. In May 1998, Oh disclosed his homosexuality to his family. They immediately rejected him and expelled him from their home. After living and suffering on the streets for months, and at one point sleeping in an office, Oh killed himself. The other two went to Seoul National University, which is South Korea‟s Harvard or Yale. One was in law school; the other was a graduate student in biology. Their success in society was “guaranteed.” However, when they came to the age of marriage, they both faced a brutal dilemma. Neither wanted to marry. But they also didn‟t want to disown their families and disappoint their parents. So they chose to kill themselves. One in 1997, the other in 1999. No funerals were held for these three young men: their families considered them “bad” sons…” (Campbell, Tania 2007, „Suicide in South Korea Case of Too Little, Too Late‟, OhmyNews, 2 February http://english.ohmynews.com/articleview/article_view.asp?at_code=390145 – Accessed 19 November 2008 – Attachment 24).
A response dated 13 October 2006 by the Immigration and Refugee Board of Canada reports that “[m]any gay Koreans do not come out of the closet because of the stigma associated with homosexuality (Gay Times n.d.; The New York Times 31 Mar. 2006; see also Yonhap English News 5 June 2006)” (Immigration and Refugee Board of Canada 2006, KOR101949.E – Republic of Korea: Current Situation of, and protection available to, gay, lesbian and transgendered/transsexual citizens (2002-2006), 13 October http://www.irb-cisr.gc.ca/en/research/rir/index_e.htm?action=record.viewrec&gotorec=450521 – Accessed 18 November 2008 – Attachment 20).

Definitely 'NO' for gay man to marriage a straight women

Loveless, sexless marriages

Global Times | November 07, 2011 21:19 By Yang Jinghao

Prepared to live a lie

"My parents are pressing me, colleagues keep asking me why I don't have a girlfriend, and even my neighbors have offered to set me up on blind dates. All these pressures are bearing down on me," he told the Global Times, adding that like most gay men his parents are pushing him to produce a male heir.

Huzi says he isn't considering marrying a lesbian as there could be unforeseen legal consequences.

"I can't imagine what it will be like when I am 60 or older and there's nobody beside me," Huzi said, without explaining why he thought a non-consensual, sham marriage might have a happier outcome.

"It's a homosexual's absolute bottom line to avoid cheating and hurting a heterosexual spouse," said Aqiang, who doesn't support fake marriages between gays and lesbians but says they are better than cheating a spouse who is unaware of their wife's or husband's sexual orientation.

Aqiang says society's pressures to conform to traditional values are only partially to blame for fake marriages. He blames homosexuals for continuing the deception. "In the final analysis, the root cause is a lack of courage and a problem with self-identification."

Sexologist Li Yinhe with the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences suggests gay men need to be more respectful of themselves, their families and their partners. "Of course, it would be better if society would allow same sex marriage," she said, adding that legislation legalizing same sex marriage has been submitted to annual assembly of the National People's Congress, the past few years but it has never been dealt with.

"Only when homosexual rights can be safeguarded by law or policy, can this problem be properly solved," Professor Zhang said, adding that marriages of convenience between gay men and lesbians "are not in their mutual interests and contrary to human instinct."

Gay men like Huzi aren't likely to wait for the laws to change.

"I realize that no matter which path I choose someone will get hurt," said Huzi, suggesting that his parents would be devastated if he didn't marry a woman.

"What we need is for the legislation to be worked out to protect our legal rights, which is the key to rescuing the wives and husbands of homosexuals," said Huzi.

The victimized wives of gay men are now actively seeking help and speaking out via the Internet.

A website Tongqi Jiayuan, which roughly translates as "wives of gay husbands," provides a platform for victims to share their experiences, along with legal information and AIDS prevention awareness.

"I hope I can help those in the same bind I was in, and give others a deeper understanding of the issue," said Xiaoyao, the website's founder and ex-wife of a gay man who also asked that her pseudonym be used in print. She has also opened a hotline to provide psychological counseling to survivors of sham marriage and women who finally discover the truth.

"First they need to calm down and negotiate with their husband," said Xiaoyao. "It's really a complicated problem and each wife has her own unique experience."

Professor Zhang tells women who have the means to support themselves to abandon their sham marriages and seek one with love. "But many feel they can't leave their husbands if they and their children are financially dependent."

Not anti-gay

Despite their sexual incompatibility some husbands and wives develop emotional bonds. A woman from Urumqi in Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region told the Global Times that even though she discovered her husband is gay, just four months after they married, she's not about to leave him. "He treats me really nice," she said, asking not be identified in this article.

Perhaps surprisingly many of the long suffering women who have been scammed and cheated on by gay husbands have come to understand that homosexuality is a natural human phenomena.

"I totally understand and tolerate gay men, but I totally oppose their choice for marriage!" said the long suffering Yu He.

Why gay should marry a lesbian instead a straight women

'I married a gay man'

How one woman recovered from a heartbreaking deception

 

 

"You have chlamydia," my obstetrician told me as I lay on the examining table, six months pregnant with my fourth child. "You've got to talk to your husband." I was in total disbelief. "This is impossible," I protested. "We're both monogamous." But of course I knew that wasn't really true, and the doctor's words forced me to finally acknowledge what I'd suspected for a long time: My husband was most likely gay.

When I confronted my husband, Chris (not his real name), with my test results that night, he denied he was to blame. "They've got to be wrong, or I must have picked up something in the gym," he insisted. "I haven't done anything wrong." Instead of arguing about how I felt or figuring out how I wanted to handle the larger issue, I focused on what I needed at that moment — to take medicine and get healthy — much as I had throughout our rocky marriage. It took a few more days of wrenching confrontation for our marriage to disintegrate. When Chris spoke to a health official who called to check on me (my case had been reported to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta), he realized our baby was at risk for premature birth and newborn pneumonia, and he became hysterical, as though he were having a nervous breakdown.
That evening, after we'd watched our three children play on the lawn of our home in the Washington, D.C., suburbs, he curled into a fetal position on a porch chair and admitted more than I ever wanted to know: He had been having anonymous sex with men. "I don't know how this could have happened," he stammered. "It's nobody that I knew ... it was mostly oral sex ... it just happened...; At gay bars, there are back rooms with holes in the walls..." A wave of nausea swept over me as I listened to his agonized confession. But I kept quiet and thought, I've held up as long as I could. And I am done. With. You.
I was 30 years old when this happened, and Chris and I had been married for 11 years. We looked like the perfect family in our Christmas card portrait. Both of us grew up in the small-town South, and Chris was in the military. Yet I finally understood that our entire married life, except for our children, whom we both loved completely, was built on a falsehood. At that moment, I felt as if I were standing alone in the world, stripped of all dignity, with a big sign on me that read idiot.
The movie "Brokeback Mountain" turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double lives, having sex with other men while they are married to women. But that film only scratched the surface of their wives' miserable experience. When I saw the movie, I started to cry as I watched Ennis, the young cowboy played by Heath Ledger, wed his sweetheart even though he'd been involved with another man. I wanted to scream: "It is such a lie! Don't do it!" My mind flashed back to my own wedding day, when I was the virgin bride standing before family, friends and a minister. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
This kind of union happens more often than people may think; research done by University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, Ph.D., estimated that between 1.5 million and 2.9 million American women who have ever been married had a husband who had had sex with another man. That means there are a large number of women who have no idea what their husband does in secret.
We periodically see stories about married men in public life who are gay or have been implicated in homosexual behavior — such as Senator Larry Craig (R–Idaho), who was arrested last summer for allegedly soliciting a male police officer in an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey governor James McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay American" when he announced his resignation from office. While the media focuses on the men, I watch their wives standing next to them and wonder about the suffering, lies, emotional confusion and rage that they may be living through. Because I've lived it all.

There are so many obvious questions for a wife like me: Didn't I realize he was gay? Did I ignore red flags? And if I had suspicions, why didn't I confront him earlier or divorce him?
I suppose I was always suspicious, but I was in denial. Early in our relationship, Chris told me he'd had homosexual experiences as a teenager but assured me it was youthful curiosity. I didn't think there was anything wrong with being gay — I have an openly gay cousin. And I didn't care what went on behind others' closed doors. But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive — too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lying to his wife, his friends, his family and himself.

The beginning I was a 19-year-old college freshman in Kentucky when I met Chris. He was 22, a senior and a talented musician who could sing and play brass, keyboards and woodwinds. I'd never had a boyfriend before, and I felt incredibly flattered when this popular, good-looking guy asked me out. I was also pleased that we had a similar religious upbringing. I grew up going to a Methodist church, and I've always had a strong Christian faith. Chris's father was a Southern Baptist minister who preached fire and brimstone, and Chris was taught that being gay was the ultimate sin — an absolute sentence to hell.
Two unusual things happened on our first date. After we watched the movie "Romancing the Stone," Chris said, "I think I could marry you." I was speechless, wondering if I was living in a romance novel. Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me again, saying, "No matter what you hear, I'm not gay." In fact, I had heard other students say that everyone in his fraternity was gay. But in the world we lived in, people often claimed a guy was gay if he wasn't a jock or really macho, so I didn't want to judge someone because of who his friends were and what he did. I decided to take Chris at his word. Besides, he'd taken a girl — me — out on a date, so how could he be gay?
 

 We immediately started seeing each other exclusively. I thought it was a storybook romance for nine months — until Chris abruptly said, "I can't do this anymore." He refused to explain why; I was distraught and confused. A few weeks later, over the holidays, we met to talk. We obviously still had feelings for each other, and without explaining why he'd split up with me, Chris declared, "If we're going to be together, let's make it official: Will you marry me?" I accepted on the spot. It was a dream come true.
Of course, I could have asked more questions, but I convinced myself that Chris had gotten cold feet because we had become serious so quickly. I also had a stubborn streak, which I practiced as a child and maintained throughout our marriage. I was determined to make our relationship work. I wanted to show Chris that I would stick with him through everything.
I didn't believe in premarital sex, but once we were engaged I went on the Pill and told Chris I thought we should make love. He refused, explaining that he respected me too much and that sex had ruined his previous relationships. Frustrated, I kept reminding myself that, as he said, "We will have the rest of our life together." In premarital counseling, we told the minister that divorce didn't fit with our values. This pronouncement made me feel more secure, but I shouldn't have ignored my nagging intuition that something was seriously wrong. After all, what man wouldn't jump into bed with his fiancé.
I was a 20-year-old virgin on our wedding day and a disappointed bride when Chris couldn't get an erection that night. I retreated to my side of the bed and cried myself to sleep, wondering, Is this what our life together will be like? The next morning, we decided to start our marriage on the right foot — by going to church. We had sex that afternoon. It wasn't as passionate as I'd hoped, but I convinced myself yet again it would all be fine. Chris had won a prestigious position in a military band, and we moved to the Washington, D.C., area to begin his career.

A lonely wife After Chris's boot camp, we settled in as newlyweds, but we never achieved the "happy couple" life I had envisioned. We rarely spent time alone together because Chris preferred to have dinner parties, go to parties or play cards with friends. I returned to school, and he had rehearsals, and we were with other band members and their wives on most of our weekends. I missed the intimacy I was certain other married couples had.
I also expended a lot of energy trying to keep Chris interested in sex. After we got married, I wanted to have sex every day, but he told me I was a nymphomaniac. I learned to do whatever I had to do to make it happen, because sex reassured me that I was loved and wanted. We probably had sex three or four times a week, and I felt as if I was constantly pressing for it.
In "Brokeback Mountain," there's a scene when Ennis flips his wife over on her stomach when they have sex. I got very emotional when I watched that because it was the position Chris and I often used for intercourse. Even though it wasn't as physically or emotionally satisfying to me, it was as intimate as we were going to get — and I wanted children.
Questions about Chris's sexual preference didn't disappear. At a party with his work friends, I got into an argument with a woman who'd been drinking, and she said, out of the blue, "Well, at least my husband's not gay." I was stunned, and I can't remember what I said in reply. Later that evening, when I told Chris what happened, he reminded me that he'd always been teased about being gay, but he assured me, "It's not true."

I defended him to others, but our marriage was often tense. He toured with the band, and when he came home, he'd sometimes stay out all night without telling me where he'd gone. Assuming he was having an affair with a woman, and feeling insecure and unattractive in the middle of my third pregnancy, I became hyperinterrogatory and angry. It didn't help: Chris became even more distant, and he started drinking heavily.
It's easy to say I should have left him, but the choice wasn't so simple. We had virtually no savings, and I couldn't afford to take the children and raise them on my own. I also still believed that the marriage could weather such trials, in part because he was such a good father. He took us camping, played with the children, planned holiday celebrations and even baked the kids' birthday cakes. Chris was 100 percent better at parenting than my own father, and I got used to the idea that my fulfillment could come from the family rather than the marriage.

(http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23168113/ns/health-behavior/t/i-married-gay-man/#.UCjLepFDyNU)

Gay love illustration